“I can’t help how I feel!”

This is a widely accepted yet entirely false premise, from which all manner of limiting beliefs have formed in the subconscious minds of those who are not aware of their divine heritage. One prevalent example of such a belief is the idea that depression (and other mental illnesses) are caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, over which one has no control and for which antidepressants are the only solution. This is simply not true. We are slaves to our emotions only for as long as we choose to be. However, until we have accepted 100% responsibility for the world that we are creating in and around us, we remain blind to the lies that we (unconsciously) allow to define us. Until we know ourselves as the god-beings that we truly are, we do not perceive ourselves to have a choice.

So what is this choice of which I speak?

To be, or not to be… memory free: that is the question.

This is the ultimate choice that the conscious mind faces. Either it chooses to clean up the garbage (memories) presented by the subconscious mind, thus opening the physical self up to inspiration (the state of being in which one is, quite literally, infused with spirit), or it allows itself to be driven by these subconscious memories, thus playing out the same old dramas over and over again on the movie screen (i.e. the physical reality in which the physical self imagines itself to be living), albeit presented in (apparently) different situations and circumstances, with (apparently) different fellow actors (i.e. simulations of aspects of the physical self).

The subconscious mind stores all the memories of all your experiences in all your lives in all dimensions and all realities (remember, there is no such thing as time and so everything is happening right now). To be or not to be memory free: this is the only choice that matters (materialises) in the present moment. Either you clean up what the subconscious is presenting — setting yourself free — or you don’t. That is the choice. It really is as simple as that. When you make the choice to erase the confusion (memory), this brings about the clarity (freedom) that facilitates connection with your non-physical self. You may find it useful to think of this as a four-step process:

Confusion –> Clean up –> Clarity –> Connection

1. Acknowledge that a subconscious memory is giving rise to the “negative” emotion (confusion) experienced in the body;

2. Make a conscious choice to clean up (erase) the memory;

3. Feel the resulting clarity (freedom), as evidenced by movement up the emotional scale to more “positive” emotion;

4. Connection with your superconscious self (Higher Self) and supraconscious self (I AM Presence) is improved, as evidenced by inspired thoughts and actions — which are perfect, effortless and spontaneous.

So how does one go about  cleaning up the muck that the subconscious mind is continually presenting (step 2)? That is very simple too. You find a method that works for you. How? By experimenting with one or more of the plethora of self-development processes available on the planet today. I, personally, have found four processes particularly useful: (1) Emotional Freedom Technique (which involves tapping specific acupuncture points on the body); (2) Ho’oponopono (an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness that revolves around repeating four simple phrases: “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “Please forgive me” and “Thank you”); (3) use of Violet Flame invocations, visualisations and decrees; and (4) breathing meditations (whereby I breathe in through the nose for a count of 7, hold for a count of 7, breathe out for a count of 7, hold for a count of 7, and then repeat as many times as desired).

Emotion is your greatest friend. It is your personalised, in-built GPS navigation system, providing pin-point accurate guidance regarding your current position on your unique journey to the Truth. Either you react to your emotion (which is the same as choosing to remain a slave), or you respond to your emotion by cleaning up the thought (subconscious memory) that gave rise to it (which is the same as choosing to set yourself free).

Let me be clear about this. You are not erasing the person or circumstance (the experience) that (apparently) presented your conscious mind with a problem. Neither are you erasing (directly) the negative emotion in your body. It is the subconscious memory that you are erasing, which created the experience that gave rise to the emotion. You are dealing with the root cause of the illness, rather than addressing its symptoms. And once the memory has been erased, it can no longer manifest in your reality; you have closed the gap between who you think we are and who you really are, thus unblocking the conduit through which divine inspiration flows.

David: Yes, of course. First of all though, can I stress that there is nothing to ‘get your head round’. Please let go of the idea that you need to mentally grasp any of this. It is more a case of feeling the meaning behind my words. Truth cannot be comprehended, for Truth is beyond the remit of the rational mind. Truth is a state of awareness. The best the mind can do is play with distorted reflections of reflections of this awareness. To give you some idea of what I mean by this, imagine that you are standing before a mirror with a silver goblet. Imagine that you look into the mirror and focus on the reflection of the silver goblet. Imagine that in the reflection of the goblet you can see a reflection of your face. Due to the shape of the goblet, you will be looking at a distorted, barely recognisable reflection of a reflection of your face in the mirror. In this example, your actual physical face represents the Truth and the distorted image of your face in the reflected image of the goblet is your mind’s perspective on that Truth.

OK, when I say you are creating your own reality, I am reminding you that the physical world you imagine yourself to be living in is just an illusion, albeit a very compelling one. Let’s go to the cinema for a few moments. Imagine you are the cinema projectionist. As the projectionist, you are responsible for determining what is put on to the film reel. What you put on to the film reel are your thoughts and beliefs. By shining the light of your consciousness on to the film reel, its contents are then projected on to the movie screen. The movie screen in this example represents physical reality — the world in which you imagine yourself to be living.

The people on the movie screen are doing whatever you are directing them to do; they have no mind of their own. They are nothing more than simulations of aspects of yourself, playing out the drama that you yourself are directing, by virtue of the choices you are making regarding the thoughts and beliefs that you place on the film reel. The genre of the movie and its unique storyline are both determined by you.

You are not only directing the movie as the projectionist; you are also starring in the movie. So the director is in the movie, which is in the mind of the director, who is in the movie, which is in the mind of the director. This is a paradox. And paradox is your friend, especially where Truth is concerned.

Now, many people watching the on-screen action would take great umbrage at the suggestion that they are responsible for all of it. “Why would I give myself cancer?” they will proclaim. “How am I responsible for the earthquake in Japan?” they will scoff. “No, I am not responsible for these things!” they will insist.

This blog has not been designed to reach out to such people, for they are not ready for the messages contained herein. They are not ready to be unplugged from The Matrix. (That particular movie was a spiritual awakening tool for those who were ready at the time at which it was released). It is easier and safer for them to continue blaming something (apparently) exterior to themselves — such as their economic circumstances, the Government or a wrathful God — rather than accept responsibility for the prison they have built around themselves. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with this. Every soul is at a different stage of evolution. This is an observation, not a judgement. But this blog is primarily for those people who are already asking the all-important question: Who Am I?

So, to you, the questioner, the important message is this: you are 100% responsible for everything that occurs in your reality. At some level you have co-created every experience and event. How else has it ended up on the screen? You are the projectionist! The world is not; you alone are.

I am highly effective at working with children. But I often meet parents who want to hide my effectiveness behind their fear-based love affair with efficiency. “What techniques have you taught my son today?” “What steps can I take to improve his self-esteem?” “What homework did you set?” My inclination is to respond to these questions with contempt: “What are you talking about? Why are you asking me such crazy questions? Do you honestly think your son’s self-esteem can be addressed with superficial techniques and homework tasks? Is it not enough that I am being my authentic self with your son? I don’t have to ‘do’ anything to be of value to him!” Of course, I would never be so self-righteous and patronising.

So, instead, I have tried to appease these parents by saying what I think they want to hear. However, in attempting to satisfy their perceived need for evidence, I have denied my truth and betrayed my authenticity, as evidenced by strong feelings of discomfort within my body. I have consequently learned to be more open and up-front with parents about my unorthodox approach to working with children before any coaching takes place. I have accepted that I am responsible for the lack of trust that I perceive in these parents. Their lack of trust is a reflection of my lack of trust in their willingness to accept my approach, which is ultimately a lack of trust in myself.

At the root of this societal need for evidence lies a fundamental lack of self-trust. These parents don’t trust me and don’t trust their kids because they don’t trust themselves. They don’t trust themselves because they were taught, as children, that they could not be trusted. They were brought up in a world in which everything had to be proven before it could be accepted. If it can’t be scientifically verified, then it can’t be ‘right’. Unthinkingly — relying on their unconscious programming alone — these parents do their best to pass on their own distrust to their children.

Earlier this year I visited the headquarters of an organisation in Chicago that provides a comprehensive package of support for homeless teenagers. When I volunteered my coaching services, it became immediately clear that this organisation is caught up in exactly the same efficiency trap as the majority of schools and other social institutions. “No, we only employ professionally qualified counsellors and psychologists with the appropriate certificates and proven track records.” I sometimes call this ‘the institutionalised mindset’, which is all about justifying one’s existence because one is being paid to offer a service for which everything must be measured. What they do for teens who are ready to leave the streets — helping them to secure jobs and to find subsidised accommodation through a rigorous programme of individualised action plans and evaluations — is wonderful, but this is not the kind of organisation within which I could operate effectively.

A few days later, on the other hand, I met up with an inspirational guy called Tom who oversees the Chicago division of a national organisation that sends volunteers out on to the streets two nights a week, not to try and ‘fix’ kids (i.e. the institutionalised mindset) but simply to be there for kids — to listen to them and, most importantly, to accept them as they are, so that they can reconnect with their innate sense of self-worth. This organisation also offers free food and clothing to street kids, and will provide support if and when a kid expresses a readiness to change his or her living circumstances — but accepting the teenagers as they find them is the overriding priority. This is exactly the kind of organisation within which I could operate effectively.

The moment I met Tom — a university lecturer in his mid-fifties — I knew I had found someone on my wavelength. It’s great that I am beginning to attract into my reality more and more people who understand that successful human relationships are about effectiveness (which is largely immeasurable in terms of tangible results) rather than efficiency (which is all about what is measurable). As you might expect, Tom has had great difficulty in attracting funds because of the widespread obsession with evidence of efficiency. The number one question he faces from prospective donors is, “How many teens have you successfully helped off the streets?” Tom has no answer to this question because he does not see this as the function of his organisation. He and his team of volunteers are there to provide a supportive space in which teenagers get themselves off the streets, if and when they are ready to do so. Some of these kids turn up for a few months and are then never seen again. Who knows what happened to them? And is it really important to know?

This whole efficiency/evidence issue is an entrenched paradigm of thinking that I fully intend to challenge during the next few years. The problem with making the measurable important is that what is truly important cannot be measured.

Asha: [clearly in distress] Merlin, I didn’t know where else to go.

Merlin: Asha, my dear child, come on in. I have been expecting you.

[Asha follows Merlin through a narrow passageway and into a room filled with shelves of old books. A blazing fire provides the only light in the room. Merlin motions to a pair of upholstered chairs, which are positioned in front of the fireplace. They sit down facing one another. Asha wipes away the tears on her cheeks with her hands and takes a few deep breaths. Her voice trembles as she speaks, fighting back further tears.]

Asha: Forgive me, Merlin. I know you are busy but I didn’t know who else to turn to. I can’t take much more. I’m not even sure if I can go on living. I’ve ruined everything. I always ruin everything. I just can’t do anything right. Why am I so useless?

[Asha bursts into tears. As she sobs into her hands, Merlin calmly rises to his feet and walks around her to the back of her chair. Standing directly behind Asha, he places his hands gently on her shoulders.

Asha continues to sob; Merlin remains silent, his hands still resting on her shoulders. After a minute or so, Asha's tears begin to subside and her breathing returns to normal. She is soon completely silent, head bowed and eyes closed. Two minutes of stillness and silence ensue. All that can be heard is wood crackling on the fire and the faint ticking of a clock in an adjoining room.

Merlin lifts his hands from Asha's shoulders and returns to his seat. Asha slowly opens her eyes. She lifts her head to find Merlin looking at her with a gentle smile on his face. Asha reciprocates with a smile of her own.]

Asha: Thank you, Merlin. You always know how to calm me down.

Merlin: My sweet child, I did no such thing. You calmed yourself down.

Asha: But what about the warm, uplifting energy I could feel flowing from your hands and into my body?

Merlin: That was you connecting with your Source energy. I merely served as a conduit through which you could direct your own healing process.

Asha: But I wasn’t directing anything. I was too upset to think about healing myself.

Merlin: In releasing emotion you created space for the healing energy to flow into your body. You did not need to be consciously aware of what you were doing. Healing happens all by itself. One simply needs to allow.

Asha: I am still grateful for your assistance, Merlin. Nobody else has such a profound, calming influence on me. That’s why I came here tonight. I knew you were the only one who could help me.

Merlin: In truth, Asha, you are here to help yourself.

But tell me, child… if I could grant you one wish, what would that wish be?

Asha: I would wish to be someone else.

Merlin: Someone else… I see. Tell me about this someone else.

Asha: Someone beautiful…. Someone talented. Someone inspiring…. Someone confident. Someone strong. Someone [voice beginning to break]….

Merlin: Go on…

Asha: …. someone normal.

Merlin: You want to be normal.

Asha: Yes. I want to be like other girls. I want to do what other girls do. I want to behave like other girls behave.

Why do I have to be so different? I’m sick to death with being different! I don’t fit in. I have never fitted in. I feel like an alien most of the time. Sure, I put on a brave face and pretend to be like other girls. But inside, I know I’m not.  I’m not normal. I can’t have what others girls have because I can’t do anything right.  I’ve ruined everything!

[Asha angrily wipes away the tears falling from her eyes.]

Merlin: How have you ruined everything?

Asha: I can’t… I can’t make myself do something… my stupid body won’t let me… I’m never going to be happy… I’ve ruined my chances… all I want…

Merlin: OK, Asha. Just breathe.

Deep breath in. That’s right.

And now slowly exhale.

And again. Deep breath in… and exhale. That’s right.

And once more…

[Having regained her composure, Asha continues]

Asha: I always dreamed…

Merlin: I know.

Asha: That I would meet…

Merlin: I know.

Asha: But I can’t…

Merlin: Asha… [waiting for her to make eye contact] I know.

Asha: You know what I’m trying to say?

Merlin: I know. I knew before you arrived at my door.

Asha: But… how?

You seem to know me better than I know myself. How is that possible?

Merlin: I know who I am.

Asha: I don’t understand, Merlin.

Merlin: To know oneself is to know all. Don’t try to understand. There is nothing to understand.

So you feel like you are not normal.

Asha: I know I’m not normal! [lowers her head in shame]

Merlin: Yes. That’s right. [Asha lifts her head in surprise] You are not normal, Asha. You are far from normal.

You seem surprised. Did you not just say that you know you are not normal?

Asha: Yes, but I didn’t expect you to agree with me!

Merlin: You are trying so desperately to conform to some perceived idea of normality, which exists by virtue of your belief in it alone. You are continually comparing yourself with other girls. But you are not other girls. You are you. You are unique. You are not here to conform to the expectations of others. You are here to transform. Transform. Not conform.

You are ashamed of your uniqueness. And yet your uniqueness is your greatest gift. In your uniqueness lies your beauty. In your uniqueness lies your talent and your inspiration. In your uniqueness will you find your confidence and your strength. You are so intent on denying who you are that you are blind to all of your qualities.

You are caught up in a self-limiting view of the world in which everything must be labelled right or wrong. You believe there are certain things you should be thinking, saying or doing in order to fit in. But you don’t need to fit in. You only need to fit in because you believe you need to fit in. And the moment you stop believing that you need to fit in will be the moment you realise that you fit in perfectly.

Asha: So what am I supposed to do?

Merlin: Accept yourself… just as you are. My dear child, you are already perfect; you just don’t know it. You don’t know it because you refuse to look at yourself correctly. You judge yourself through the distorted lens of your assumptions about how others see you.

You are constantly attempting to look at yourself through the eyes of others. But your eyes are the only eyes through which you need see yourself. Stand before a glass mirror and look at your reflection; not with eyes of judgement and contempt, but through the eyes of your Source — with unconditional love.

Asha: How? When I look in the mirror I hate what I see! I don’t see beauty. I see ugliness.

Merlin: Because you do not accept what you see. You suffer because you do not accept. You suffer because you cannot forgive yourself for being yourself. All your suffering is self-inflicted.

Asha: How can I accept what I see in the reflection when I am so disgusted by it?

Merlin: You are not accepting what you see in the reflection if you are choosing to be disgusted by it.

Asha: I am not choosing anything. What I am looking at is disgusting.

Merlin: According to whom? Sitting before me is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

Asha: You’re just saying that.

Merlin: Asha, in all the years you have known me have I ever told you a lie?

Asha: No. I trust you completely. But…

Merlin: Has anyone else ever described you as beautiful?

Asha: I am not beautiful.

Merlin: Has anyone else ever described you as beautiful?

Asha: My friends tell me I am beautiful. But they are going to say that — they are my friends.

Merlin: Other than your friends, has anyone ever told you that you are beautiful?

Asha: Yes.

Merlin: Has any other man ever told you that you are beautiful?

Asha: Yes.

Merlin: And how do you respond to all of these people?

Asha: I tell them they need to get their eyes tested.

Merlin: Are they all lying?

Asha: They must be lying.

Merlin: Why must they be lying?

Asha: Because it is not true.

Merlin: According to whom is it not true? Who is choosing to label the reflection as disgusting?

Asha: …. I am.

Merlin: Yes, Asha. You are. And you alone.

Asha: But I can’t help how I feel about myself.

Merlin: Really? And how do you know that?

Asha: What do you mean? It’s common knowledge. Everyone knows we can’t help the way we feel.

Merlin: Everyone? Have you spoken to everyone on the planet?

Asha: Merlin, don’t play games with me. It is true that we can’t help the way we feel… isn’t it?

Merlin: Yes — if you believe it to be true.

Asha: Well, I believe it. Do you believe it?

Merlin: I know who I am. If it were true, then I would be a victim of my feelings. I am no victim.

Asha: I feel like a victim.

Merlin: That’s because you are choosing to cast yourself in the role of victim. I can tell you now there are no victims or villains in the Universe. Whatever you believe to be true, is true — for you. Believing is seeing. What you believe to be true about yourself becomes your reality.

Asha: Are you saying I should change what I believe about myself?

Merlin: You can make that choice. But better to just wake up from the dream — filled with limiting beliefs — and remember who you really are. Then you will have no need to believe anything about yourself.

Asha: I don’t know what you mean when you say, “remember who I really am”.

Merlin: What must you be believing about yourself in order to label your reflection in the mirror as disgusting?

Asha: That I am not normal.

Merlin: And what does that mean?

Asha: It means that I’m different.

Merlin: And what does that mean?

Asha: It means that I don’t fit in.

Merlin: And what does that mean?

Asha: That I am a freak.

Merlin: And what does that mean?

Asha: That there is something seriously wrong with me.

Merlin: And what does that mean?

Asha: That no man will ever want me.

Merlin: And what does that mean?

Asha: That I will always be lonely.

[Asha is becoming increasingly upset again]

Merlin: And what does that mean?

Asha: That I will always hate myself.

Merlin: OK, stop there. You have just uncovered a cluster of beliefs that you are holding about yourself.

Asha: They are all true.

Merlin: That itself is a belief. What if your belief that all these beliefs are true were not true?

Asha: But that belief is also true.

Merlin: What if it were not?

Asha: But it is.

Merlin: Only because you have chosen it to be true. Does it feel good to believe that any of these beliefs are true?

Asha: No.

Merlin: Then why believe in them? If these beliefs make you feel bad, why torture yourself by continuing to believe in any of them for even one second longer? Why not dispense with all beliefs about yourself and just be yourself instead?

Asha: Because they must be true.

Merlin: Why must they be true?

Asha: Because that is how I feel about myself.

Merlin: We have gone full circle. You are holding a belief that what you believe is determined by what you feel, over which you have no control.

Asha: Yes.

Merlin: Asha, you have it the wrong way round. You don’t believe something because you feel it. You feel something because you believe it.

Emotion is your friend. It is a feedback mechanism, informing you of the size of the gap — or the state of alignment — between who you think you are and who you really are; between what you believe to be true about yourself and what is actually true about yourself.

Asha: You mean emotion is some kind of message?

Merlin: Yes. And at the root of any negative emotion will always be a limiting belief. In other words, when you feel bad, your body is telling you that your current thought — or the underlying belief that is sponsoring that thought — is not in alignment with who you really are. Your True Self is communicating the message: I do not agree with that thought.

Conversely, when you feel good, your body is telling you that your current thought is in tune with who you really are. Your True Self is communicating the message: yes, I agree with that thought!

Asha: Oh my God! Is that really what emotion is?! Why wasn’t I taught this before now?

Merlin: Because you weren’t ready to hear it until now. How did you feel when you first arrived at my door?

Asha: I felt lonely. I felt hurt, humiliated, ashamed, misunderstood. I felt angry. I felt hopeless. I felt depressed.

Merlin: And how do you feel now?

Asha: I feel strangely excited. Why do I feel excited?!

Merlin: You tell me.

Asha: Because you have inspired me, Merlin! You understand me and know what to say to make me feel better!

Merlin: I am responsible for myself. I am not responsible for your emotions, Asha. I cannot control your response to what is happening. Only you are responsible for your emotions. Only you are response-able. You are choosing to respond to me with uplifting thoughts. You are inspiring yourself. Your current mindset is in agreement with the point of view of your True Self, as evidenced by your feelings of excitement.

Asha: And when I arrived I was thinking thoughts that took me further and further away from the point of view of my True Self.

Merlin: Yes! When you arrived, your mind was filled with limiting thoughts and beliefs about yourself, which generated the negative emotions.

You think you know who you are. And that is the whole problem. You need to stop thinking and just be who you really are. You are who you are, not who you think you are.

Asha: So who am I?

Merlin: Now that is the all-important question. Ponder on this question earnestly and the Truth will reveal itself to you.

Asha: Can’t you just tell me who I am?

Merlin: No need for me to tell you. Open your eyes and see for yourself. I assure you, you already know who you are and why you are here. You already know the answers. You just don’t remember — yet. And I do mean remember, for you chose to be here — in this body, in this lifetime.

Asha: I chose this body? I chose this life?

Merlin: You chose it all.

Asha: I don’t want to accept that.

Merlin: You don’t want to accept it because you don’t want to accept yourself.

There is a reason people feel uplifted in your presence, Asha. There is a reason you are able to make others laugh and smile. There is a reason young children and animals gravitate towards you. There is a reason you are so loved by all your friends.

Asha: But will I ever find true love?

Merlin: There are many men lining up to serve you and your life purpose. Men who will respect and honour you — just the way you are. You cannot see them because you refuse to acknowledge their existence. You cannot see them because you cannot see yourself. You do not recognise them because you do not recognise yourself.

You don’t believe you are worthy of the love you dream of because you do not see yourself as the source of that love. You will not find true love in another until you have found it within yourself.

Asha: How do I find true love within myself?

Merlin: By unconditionally accepting yourself.

Asha: Merlin, who are you?

Merlin: Everything I am not.

Asha: OK… then what are you not?

Merlin: Everything I think I am. [Asha laughs]

Primarily, though, my mind. I am not my mind. My body, my name, my personality, my beliefs… these are all contained within my mind. I am none of these things. I am neither this nor that. I just am.

Asha: Oh Merlin, I wish I was as wise as you!

Merlin: My dear child, the only difference between you and I is that I know who I am. Your only task is to unconditionally accept who you are — even who you think you are. For in accepting everything that you are not, the light of your inner knowing will shine and the veils of ignorance can lift.

Drop the idea that you must behave in a certain way and you will free yourself from the prison cell of your own creation. The door is wide open; walk through it. There is nothing you need do except be yourself. Cease comparing yourself with others. Cease trying to fit in. Just be yourself.

You think you need to change who you are in order to get what you want. No, you need to remember who you are in order to get what you want. Look within and you will find that you contain the power to create galaxies and move mountains.

If you must think, then focus on thinking thoughts that keep you in alignment with your True Self.  You will know when you are thinking Self-aligning thoughts because you will feel good. There is nothing more important than that you feel good. Call it love, call it passion, call it joy, gratitude, appreciation or excitement; no matter what you choose to label the emotion, if it feels good, then the thought is serving you. If you do not feel good, search for a better feeling thought. Or, better still, stop thinking all together. Lie down on the grass and meditate; clear your mind.

All you need do is be yourself; all else falls into place automatically.

The purpose of life is simply to be yourself.

Planet Earth is a consensus reality, or shared vibrational construct, in which different aspects of consciousness can meet and interact. However, I alone exist in my reality. Nothing can appear in my reality without my invitation and creation. The people who appear to share my reality are reflections of myself. I create simulations of others so that I may interact with them; otherwise, I would not be able to perceive them. I serve both myself and others through these simulations.

What I project is what I attract. I am the Law of Attraction itself. How I project what I attract is through vibration. My vibrational frequency is determined by my state of being. My state of being in any given moment is determined by my feelings, which are, in turn, determined by my most dominant thoughts and beliefs about my physical reality.

Everything exists now. There are infinite parallel Earths, all of which (past and future) co-exist simultaneously in one moment, and all of which contain different versions of the aforementioned simulations. I never “change the world”; rather, I shift to a parallel Earth that already exists on the vibratory level that I have created within my state of being. Different vibrational frequencies give rise to different realities. As I choose my preferred state of being, the physical world reflects back to me the shift that I have made.

I create a joyful life by pursuing joyful activity. A joyful activity is anything that I feel passionate or excited about in the present moment. This could be coaching a child, playing the piano, meditating or writing this blog. Passion or excitement generates the state of being that is closest to the resonance of my natural, non-physical Self (or Source). Whenever I am engaged in a joyful activity, I open up the conduit of my imagination, through which my Intuitive Mind can speak. The Intuitive Mind is the standard-bearer of my experience. I trust and follow the guidance of my intuitive instincts, negotiating with my ego (rational mind) where necessary. In doing so, I allow the unexpected into my life. My life’s mission unfolds naturally and effortlessly; everything falls into place for my highest good. Thus do I dance in the fluidity of the wonder of life.

Wise Man: There is nothing wrong with you.

Q: But I have a long-term girlfriend. All it takes is one glimpse of another girl’s legs and I start fantasising about having sex with her. How do I stop these thoughts?

WM: For what reason would you want to stop them?

Q: Because it’s not right. I love my girlfriend but I just can’t seem to help myself. I just want to have sex with other women, even though I know it’s wrong. I don’t even want to get to know them.

WM: Sexual attraction is a perfectly natural thing. Do not castigate yourself so. To repress your sexuality is  unhealthy and unnatural. Your thoughts about your sexual feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are what they are: thoughts.

Q: But I don’t want these thoughts in my head!

WM: It is possible to transcend the desire for sex as carnal pleasure alone.

Q: How?

WM: It will happen as soon as you reach the point of complete acceptance regarding your sexual feelings and their sponsoring thoughts. Until we accept something — just as it is — we have no power to change it. Develop the habit of standing back. Acknowledge your sexual feelings and then just observe your thoughts. Repressing your sexual desire is the worst possible course of action.

Q: Why? What is wrong with repression?

WM: There is nothing wrong with repression… if you wish your lustful feelings to amplify.

Q: Amplify?

WM: What is repressed multiplies and magnifies… until it is acknowledged.

Q: What about monks who take an oath of celibacy?

WM: What of them? You don’t think they are free of lustful thoughts and feelings do you? Nay, they are the most sexualised people on the planet! Their sexual urges grow stronger and stronger every day, for it is not possible to fight What Is forever. Eventually the urge grows so strong that it can no longer be contained. If it cannot find an outlet in a sexual sense, then it will find some other form of expression. No, my friend, celibacy is not the answer.

Q: So what is the answer?

WM: Unconditional acceptance. And don’t focus on accepting your sexual feelings “in order to be free of them”. That will serve no purpose whatsoever because it implies that there is something wrong with the feelings in the first place… in which case you are not accepting them; you are merely deluding yourself. You need not be free of the feelings. The question is whether you have explored sex as a mechanical act of the flesh sufficiently to be ready to transcend this low-level-consciousness perspective.

Q: Low level consciousness? You mean there are different levels of consciousness where sex is concerned?

WM: Yes, of course. The next rung on the ladder of sexual consciousness is to view sex as a Synergistic Energy eXchange operating on multiple levels – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Still higher, sex can become a selfless act of conscious unification with All That Is. And when every moment of your life has become a living ecstasy, you will have transcended sex altogether.

Q: I enjoy sex too much, so I’ve no intention of transcending it all together! But I would certainly like to view it as more than just a physical act. I’m going to work hard to reach the next rung of the ladder.

WM: Then you will likely still be on the bottom rung at the age of 80. Not that there is anything wrong with that; you are welcome to enjoy sex as a physical act for as long as you wish. But why do you speak of “working hard”? There is nothing to work at. There is nothing to do except accept.

For the record, I am not “against” the education system. Many of my closest friends and relatives are working in mainstream schools in some capacity or another. I have nothing against these people and I make no judgements regarding their choice to support the education system. On the contrary, I have immense respect for them. However, the system is not working in my eyes. I do not see it as the future of education on this planet. I disagree with it. But disagreeing with something is not the same as labelling it “wrong”, or being “against” it. Disagreeing with something simply means that I do not wish to make it a part of my reality, which necessitates me making a different choice.

When we are “against” something, we are “fighting” it. I am not fighting the education system. Why bother to fight something that I disagree with? What a waste of energy. I may make observations of the education system and draw comparisons with alternatives, but my observations carry no judgement. Judgement is an entirely futile exercise. The world is as it is. My only concern is being true to myself. And in order to be true to myself, I must let go of all that does not serve me and my purpose. In my case, that includes the education system.

Clearly, the vast majority of adults and parents in this country are satisfied with the prevailing education system — otherwise they wouldn’t be supporting it, right? My choice to support a different approach to education does not automatically mean everyone else is “wrong”. What right do I have to tell a parent that they are “wrong” for sending their child to a conventional school? They are neither right nor wrong; they have simply made a choice, of their own free will.  Likewise, I am making a choice, of my own free will, to support (create) a different paradigm of education and life.

We live in a world of infinite diversity and contrast. This is a wondrous gift in that it creates the very conditions in which learning and growth take place. If everyone agreed on everything, what would be the point in living? There is no “right” and “wrong”. There is “what works” and “what doesn’t work”. And what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for you. Each to their own.

No school will ever get education “right”. As soon as you think you’ve got it right you become stale, stagnant and obsolete (not to mention downright arrogant and annoying). The Sudbury model of education (which is the closest I have come to finding one that in any way resembles my visions for the future of education on this planet) hasn’t got it “right”, but at least it’s in a perpetual state of evolution. This is one of its greatest advantages in my eyes; it operates outside the bureaucratic straitjacket of the mainstream education industry and so it can move with and adapt to changes in the world at large. The Sudbury philosophy aligns with my truth… which brings me on to my next point: what is “truth”?

We have just established that there is no “right” and “wrong”. So where does “truth” come into the equation? The truth regarding any given subject is determined by how you feel about it. If viewing a given subject from a particular perspective evokes feelings of love, joy, passion or excitement within you, then that perspective is true for you. Ultimately, there is only One Truth, but there are infinite perspectives from which to view it. In other words, all roads are leading to the same goal (even when you are choosing to follow a path that does not work for you). Not being aligned with the Truth is not the same as doing wrong. Not being aligned with the Truth simply means you are not doing “what works” for you. In other words, you are not feeling good. But only you can determine whether or not you are aligned because only you know how you feel inside.

Truth requires no proof. It is self-evident to me that the Sudbury model is in alignment with the Truth. I will not be engaging in any debates about this because there is nothing to debate. As soon as you are attempting to defend or justify a particular point of view, you have slipped back into the right/wrong (judge-mental) trap. Truth has nothing to do with the rational mind. Truth is an intuitive knowing, spoken directly to you, through your feelings. Your feelings are always providing you with pin-point accurate feedback regarding your state of alignment with Truth. Emotion is your in-built GPS navigation system through life: when you feel good, you are on course (aligned); when you don’t feel good, you are off course (not aligned). It’s as simple as that.

As I sat against the passenger door of my smashed up car (which had mounted the kerb and come to a standstill on a verge of grass lining the pedestrian path), sobbing into my hands, several pedestrians walked by. There was no Good Samaritan for me that day. Nobody approached to check that I was OK. Those were truly the loneliest moments of my life.

I realised I had a choice and that the only way was up.

My greatest challenge as a teacher was student behaviour so I subsequently enrolled myself on a few behaviour management training courses and read every book I could find on the subject. Behaviour in my classroom (my own behaviour, as well as that of my students!) improved during the following academic year. However, the general standard of student behaviour around the school continued to cause me many sleepless nights.

When the headteacher put forward a proposal to scrap the existing 5 x 50-minute class period model in favour of 3 x 120-minute periods, to remove morning break and to cut lunch from 50 to 20 minutes — claiming that this would improve student concentration and behaviour — I was vociferous in speaking out against the proposal at a staff meeting. While I acknowledged that such a timetable could work well for subjects like Art, PE and Science, there was no doubt in my mind that it would spell disaster for subjects such as Maths and French.

Although I had the support of the majority of the teaching staff (behind closed doors at least), nobody was prepared to come to my aid during the meeting. My speech effectively spelled the end of my time at the school (my second year as a qualified teacher). I had spoken my truth, the cost of which was to be labelled a “negative” person and to be left isolated by my colleagues.

With the encouragement of family and friends, I secured another teaching post at a middle school (9-13 year olds). Here, I taught maths (and a little drama) for four years. I had an additional responsibility as Pastoral Co-ordinator for three of those four years and it was in this role that I developed an interest in emotional intelligence, NLP and coaching.

By now I was regarded as something of a guru on classroom and behaviour management, having incorporated all sorts of techniques — including the use of an electronic traffic light system for managing classroom noise levels and simple sign language to communicate basic student/teacher needs.

I had also developed a very strong understanding of children labelled with so-called learning disorders such as ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). When these brave, perceptive kids would ask me (perfectly sensible) questions such as “When will I ever use Pythagoras’ Theorem in real life?” and “Why do I have to ask permission to urinate?” I realised I did not have any sensible answers. These kids helped me open my eyes to the reality that so many aspects of the prevailing school system — the National Curriculum, segregation by age, segregation by ability, punishment and reward (conformity bribes), etc. — made no sense at all in the context of the 21st Century world in which we were living.

During my third and fourth years at the school it became increasingly apparent that senior management were more concerned with the standard of my paperwork (never one of my strengths) than with the quality of my interactions with children in the classroom (my greatest strength). To be fair to them, this was largely due to insane changes in OfSTED inspection procedures whereby inspectors were now required to spend far less time observing teachers in their classrooms and far more time examining a school’s data and assessment records.

With the ever-increasing pressure on teachers’ shoulders to secure ever-improving standardised test scores from their students (no matter how unrealistic), I was expected to spend inordinate amounts of time providing written “evidence” that I was doing my job properly. Most of my colleagues begrudgingly fell into line with this expectation; I did not. Once again, my refusal to conform — and my willingness to stand firmly in my truth — caused problems for my line managers.

For example, in order to foster a sense of independence and self-evaluation within my students, I allowed them to mark their own classwork, encouraging them to give themselves a pat on the back when they perceived themselves to have done well. This was apparently unacceptable and I was ‘sent to the headteacher’ on more than one occasion to explain the lack of red ticks and written feedback in my students’ maths books. Where was the “evidence” — for parents and for school inspectors — that I was doing my job properly?

I could share numerous other examples but the bottom line was this: I joined the teaching profession to work with people, but the job was no longer about people; it was about data capture, the pursuit of quantitative targets and keeping up appearances (on paper).

Two weeks before I was due to leave the school I experienced what can only be described as a sequence of miracles. You can find a detailed description of the events that unfolded in my post entitled Awakened by Angels (http://eduspire.wordpress.com/2011/04/21/awakened-by-angels/) but they involved two psychic ten-year-old boys, inexplicable synchronicities, unquestionable evidence of reincarnation (in my mind, at least) and communication with the angelic realms.

I should stress that I am not a New Age fruitcake! I had always been interested in the deeper questions of life and tried to keep a mind that was “open to everything, attached to nothing” but, prior to this unexpected turn of events, I was otherwise an ordinary guy leading an ordinary life (or so I thought). These strange experiences awakened within me a world beyond the five senses.

When I look back, I can see that leaving the teaching profession sparked something of a spiritual crisis within me. I dearly loved working with children — and did not want to abandon my students — but I could not operate within a system that refused to accept me as an individual.

I quit the teaching profession in 2007, vowing to do all I could to create a new approach to education in the UK. I set up a unique confidence coaching practice, using mathematics as a tool for empowering children and teenagers to trust and believe in themselves. I attracted a lot of ‘sensitive’ children to my practice, many of whom had been labelled with ADD or dyslexia and were struggling within conventional school settings.

Working with these children on a one-to-one basis — and forging close, supportive relationships with their parents — I have helped them to transform their view of themselves, and the confidence they have gained in their mathematical ability has often flowed into all aspects of their lives.

During the last four years I can honestly say I have yet to come across a single child diagnosed with dyslexia who cannot spell the word “parallelogram” forwards and backwards within 3 minutes of meeting me — not because I am a miracle worker, but because I understand these kids and show them how to learn using their extraordinary ability to visualise. Likewise, I have yet to meet a single child diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder who has an attention problem in my presence. The trick is to ask the child what they are paying attention to; their answers never cease to amaze and invariably point to a hitherto ignored/suppressed creative brilliance.

I would say that at the heart of my success as a confidence coach is my refusal to pay any attention to these harmful people labels and to unconditionally accept children just as they are. When they are allowed to accept themselves, they are freed to be all that they truly are.

Alongside the development of my coaching practice, I spent every spare moment exploring alternative models of education, researching and visiting numerous independent schools in the UK — such as Summerhill, Bedales and several Steiner/Waldorf schools — in search of answers to my questions regarding the prevailing education system. I spent many hours, days, weeks and months locked in my bedroom reading books and internet articles by authors such as John Holt, John Taylor Gatto, Alfie Kohn, A.S. Neill, Rudolf Steiner and Daniel Greenberg. This helped to shape and clarify my personal philosophy of education, which evolved into what I call the Eduspire paradigm. Eduspire stands for “education infused with spirit” and encapsulates a trust-based paradigm of education in which every child is viewed as a unique individual with unlimited creative potential.

Inspired by the aforementioned sequence of miracles, I also delved deeper into my inner world, reading countless spiritual books and attending personal development courses and seminars in subjects such as NLP, contemporary psychotherapy and energy healing. I began to let go of my reliance on the rational mind and to trust my intuitive instincts. Suffice it to say, my intuition has led me on some interesting adventures in recent years! For example, despite knowing next to nothing about horses, I enjoyed two life-changing trips at Liz Mitten Ryan’s incredible horse ranch in B.C., Canada, in 2008 and 2009 (see http://www.lizmittenryan.com/). I could write a whole book about my experiences with her horses alone!

My exploration of alternative models of education eventually led me to the Sudbury Valley School website (http://www.sudval.org/). Located in Framingham, Massachusetts, SVS opened in 1968 and is a shining example of what is possible when preconceived notions of “school”, “learning” and “education” are jettisoned. At this school, children aged 5 through 18 pursue their own interests (i.e. no prescribed curriculum) within the framework of a fully participatory democracy.

To date, the Sudbury model remains the closest I have come to finding one that matches my own values and philosophy. In 2009 I visited a Sudbury school in Florida, which confirmed my belief in the model. I have since read every book and article I can lay my hands on about it.

Again guided by my intuitive instincts, I attended a Sacred Fire gathering in November 2010, which took place at a farm a few miles from where I live in England. After an hour or so I was approached by an Indian woman, who proceeded to inform me that the Spirit of the Fire had a message for me. “You need to go to the United States,” she said. Intrigued, I told her that I was feeling increasingly drawn to the USA – particularly to Sudbury Valley School in Massachusetts. “I’m not getting Massachusetts,” she replied. “I’m getting Chicago. You should go to Chicago. You will find the children you are looking for there.” She went on to stress that the overriding purpose of my trip was to “let go” and to trust that everything would unfold effortlessly and spontaneously for my highest good.

In March of this year I flew out to Chicago. I knew nobody there and nothing about the city — other than it had been the home of Al Capone! Just as the Spirit of the Fire had advised, I found the children I was looking for. I also found the community of people I was looking for. Indeed, I fell in love with the city. Chicago provided a new mirror in which to view myself and I loved what I saw in the reflection. For the first time in my life I felt accepted and understood.

An interesting ‘co-incidence’ led me to attend a public talk held by Peter Gray (research professor of psychology at Boston University) at a small alternative school in the suburbs of Chicago: Tallgrass Sudbury School. Yes, it was here that I found the children I was looking for. Before long I had secured a two-week internship at the school.

I quickly developed strong bonds with both the students and staff and my stay was subsequently extended to six weeks. During week 4 of my visit, the school held its annual staff elections and the students voted unanimously in favour of me joining the staff for the 2011/2012 academic year!

Having returned home to the UK, I am waiting for my US work Visa to be approved. In the meantime, I am running meetups for parents who are interested in learning about the Sudbury model, with a view to inspiring the creation of what I call “Natural Learning Environments”: spaces of unconditional love and respect in which children are free to be themselves.

There is another aspect of my life that I have not yet touched upon: my passion for singing. I have been performing at weddings, parties and corporate functions since 2006. I am a big fan of music from the 1950s and 1960s — the so-called “swing” era. I have also enjoyed a lifetime involvement with amateur musical theatre, performing leading roles in several musicals since 2002, including the Lion in the Wizard of Oz, My Bumble in Oliver, and Harold Hill in The Music Man.

It is my intention to continue pursuing my passion for singing while in Chicago. During my three-month trip earlier this year, I connected with a world-class jazz pianist. It was a thrill to be able to put my unique stamp on American Songbook standards in the piano bar at which she plays each week, and I was fortunate enough to be invited to perform with her at a restaurant in the heart of Chicago’s theatre district on two occasions.

In summary, my life is dedicated to the service of children, particularly the creation of natural learning environments in which they are free to be themselves. I am fulfilling my mission by being true to myself, trusting my intuitive instincts, pursuing my passions and dancing with life as it unfolds before me.

FACEBOOK UPDATE (April 19): Cutest moment of my day: C (5 yr old) approaches me and asks a seemingly random question……

C: Do you like guinea pigs?

Me: Err… yeah, I guess so.

C: Did you know my guinea pig died last night?

Me: Oh… no, I didn’t know that. I’m so sorry.

[After a few moments of silence C throws her arms around me for a hug.]

I found it very touching to think that Cadie should be willing to share something so personal with me after knowing me for such a short time. There was a great deal communicated during those few moments of silence. I felt no need for patronising words, such as “There, there, your pet is in guinea pig heaven now.” It was enough for her to see the compassion in my eyes; I offered an unspoken blessing, to which she reciprocated with a hug before skipping off to resume her play.

Later that day, Cadie invited me to join her in drawing animals. I agreed, though pointed out that drawing wasn’t one of my greatest strengths. “Don’t worry,” she replied. “I will show you how to do it.” She led me to the art supplies station where she helped herself to two pieces of paper and a box of pens, asking me to assist her in completing the sign-out sheet: “How do you spell felt-tip pens?” Once we had found a space on the floor in the Main Room, Cadie shared with me her technique for drawing ants and butterflies: “Always start with the body like this….. hey, that’s pretty good for a first try, David – almost better than mine!” Yes… the students are the teachers at this school.

FACEBOOK UPDATE (April 20): This school is confirming what I knew in my heart but had to experience for myself… that children are perfectly capable of directing their own education (life) when they are in an environment that accepts, trusts & respects them as the unique, curious, creative & unlimited beings that they truly are.

On this particular afternoon, Danielle (18 year old) asked if anyone was interested in playing “Bananagrams”, a word game wherein lettered tiles are used to spell words. Game play involves arranging your tiles into a grid of connected words faster than your opponents. There were only three other takers – Lucy (aged 12), Peter (staff) and myself. I have always considered myself to be “good with words”, but nothing could have prepared me for the shire brilliance of Lucy. She was able to create her grids at least twice as quickly as the rest of us and one could only marvel at her mastery of the game.

I was so impressed with Lucy’s performance that I approached her later that day to ask for a few tips on how to improve my game. “Don’t fall in love with your words,” she answered with a knowing smile. “As you pick up new tiles you need to be prepared to rearrange the tiles already in your grid and keep creating new words. Also, lots of practise helps. I have spent many hours practising at home.” Here was a 12-year-old sharing with a 32-year-old her hard-earned wisdom on how to be a champion at Bananagrams; not something you would find taking place in many other schools.

After four or five rounds, we were all ready to play a different game. An 11 year old who had just entered the room (I will call her Natalie) suggested “Scattergories” and this idea attracted the attention of three additional players: a 12-year-old boy (who I will call Kyle), a 13-year-old (who I will call Sara) and Cadie (the 5-year-old),. Scattergories is a creative-thinking game, the objective of which is to score points by uniquely naming objects within a set of categories, given an initial letter, and within a time limit.

The number of people sitting around the Art Room table had now grown to eight. Although Cadie was keen to participate, Sara respectfully explained to her that she needed to be able to read, so I suggested she join me as my team mate since I had never played the game before. Cadie sat on my lap throughout the game; I whispered category headings into her ear (pointing to the words on the card), while she whispered suggested answers into mine. It occurred to me that, even though Cadie could not yet read, she was contributing to a fun-filled activity that generated lots of laughter, and in which she could clearly perceive a “need” to be able to read.

So often, teachers and other so-called “experts” operating within The System concern themselves (completely unnecessarily) about children who have not begun reading at a certain age. Who decided that every child needs to start reading at age 7? There are 13-year-olds in some Sudbury schools who have not yet learned to read or write. Nobody expresses undue concern because they know that, when the time is right, these children will either perceive a “need” to read, or the “desire” to read will surface naturally within them. Then – and only then – do Sudbury staff intervene – and only if the child has first requested their assistance.

TO BE CONTINUED…

“SVS is a place where people decide for themselves how to spend their days. Here, students of all ages determine what they will do, as well as when, how and where they will do it. This freedom is at the heart of the school; it belongs to the students as their right, not to be violated. The fundamental premises of the school are simple – that all people are curious by nature; that the most efficient, long-lasting, and profound learning takes place when started and pursued by the learner; that all people are creative if they are allowed to develop their unique talents; that age-mixing among students promotes growth in all members of the group; and that freedom is essential to the development of personal responsibility.”

I have immersed myself in the Sudbury philosophy for the best part of three years, reading numerous books and articles, visiting a Sudbury school in Florida in 2009, and incorporating key aspects of the philosophy into my private confidence coaching practice. During my three-month trip to Chicago earlier this year (I will share the fascinating story behind this trip in a separate post), I had the pleasure of spending six weeks observing life at Tallgrass. In the next few posts I will be sharing some of my experiences at this extraordinary school, together with my thoughts, reflections and realisations.

Throughout my trip to Chicago, I was posting regular updates on my Facebook page so that friends and family back home in the UK could follow my journey.  I have included some of the Tallgrass-related posts here, in order to aid my recollections.

FACEBOOK UPDATE (March 24): Ventured into suburbs of Chicago today to visit small alternative school where kids are free to direct their own learning within the framework of a democratic community. VERY excited because strong chance I may get to do a mini-internship there… to experience working model of kind of school I’ve been dreaming about creating in UK for several years. Yee-hah!

I attended a public talk, held at Tallgrass and led by Peter Gray (Research Professor of Psychology at Boston College), the title of which was: “How children educate themselves through free play and exploration“. Peter delivered a fascinating and inspiring presentation in which he highlighted the similarities between the approaches to education in hunter-gatherer bands and in Sudbury schools. He identified five conditions that optimise children’s self-education and are common to both:

1. The social expectation (and reality) that education is children’s responsibility.

2. Unlimited freedom to play, explore and pursue own interests.

3. Direct exposure to the values, lore, tools and skills of the culture.

4. Presence of a variety of caring adults, who are helpers, not judges.

5. Free age mixing among children and adolescents.

Peter concluded his presentation by pointing out that the conditions for learning in conventional schools are the opposite of those listed above, adding that in his lifetime he had observed a continuous erosion of children’s freedom, coupled with the sky rocketing of childhood obesity, anxiety, depression and suicide: ”We have moved children’s lives out of the range of what is biologically acceptable and created physical and mental pathology.”

After Peter’s presentation, the audience (comprising mainly parents) were invited to ask any questions they may have. I didn’t have a question as such, but I took the opportunity to express my gratitude at having finally met someone from an academic background who was actually advocating the Sudbury model! Academics who grasp the need for a different paradigm of education/life in order to improve conditions for children on this planet (rather than futile reform of an obsolete school system) are few and far between; I feel genuinely blessed and honoured to have met Peter in person. For those who are interested, here is the link to his blog: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn.

Having introduced myself briefly to the audience by explaining that I was a school teacher-turned-confidence coach from England with a passionate desire to open a Sudbury-inspired school of my own, I was approached at the close of the meeting by (another) Peter, one of the Tallgrass staff members. He informed me of plans for a free school in Frome, Somerset, England, of which I had not been previously aware: http://fromefreeschool.co.uk/2011/06/03/proposal-sent-to-government/. [Given that Students will be free to choose how they spend their days is listed as one of the defining features of the model, it will be interesting to see how the Government responds to this proposal]. I asked Peter about the possibility of spending a few weeks at Tallgrass in April and he suggested I send an email making a formal request to visit, which would be put forward as a motion upon which students and staff could vote at the next School Meeting.

FACEBOOK UPDATE (April 11): My school internship has been approved – I start next week!! Dropped by school to meet students and staff today. Youngest student (5 yr old girl) took me on tour of building… cutest thing you EVER saw!

I arrived at the school at around 1pm. Tallgrass occupies the second floor of the education wing of a church. Upon entry through an outside door, you climb two flights of stairs and the room directly opposite the stairs is the Art Room, which doubles up as the main gathering place. I was warmly greeted by two teenage boys at the entrance – who were on their way off campus to get some food – and spotted Peter (staff member) sitting upstairs at the large table in the Art Room.

I had yet to hear back from the school regarding my internship request and had decided to drop by that day because it was advertised as “Open House” on the school’s website. Peter was pleased to inform me that he had sent an email earlier that day confirming that my request had been approved and that I could start the following Monday! Wonderful news! He was busy preparing the school’s budget on his laptop so I chose not to bombard him with too many questions. I decided instead to sit back, relax and take in my surroundings.

There were two teenage girls working at the table with us – both painting; a younger female student on the sofa to my right with her head buried in a book; a teenage boy engaged in informal conversation with a member of staff on the sofa opposite; and a much younger girl – who looked about 5 or 6 years old – playing with a couple of dolls on the floor. The two students working at the table had both greeted me with a smile and a friendly “Hi” and, although I was keen to speak with them about their experiences at the school, I chose to sit quietly and observe them at work rather than interrupt their creative efforts.

After a few minutes, the student sitting closest to me (I will call her Danielle) stopped painting and initiated conversation with me. Danielle was the oldest student at the school (aged 18) and spoke with great enthusiasm of her time at Tallgrass, having been previously homeschooled. She explained that she was in the process of writing her graduation thesis, which she would have to defend in front of the School Assembly at the end of the school year (more on this later).

A few minutes later, I observed the youngest student (I will call her Cadie) approach Peter and whisper something in his ear. Peter then turned to me and asked if I would be interested in a tour of the building – led by Cadie. This was an early example of a student taking the initiative, as well as a heart-warming gesture of consideration for the needs of others. Cadie - at just five years old – was prepared to abandon playing with her dolls in order to show a stranger around her school. Not only that, but she was volunteering to do so – without any encouragement from an adult.

It was a wonderful tour, complete with running commentary. “This is the Art Room where we draw and paint, and sometimes we play games and sometimes we just chat….. This is the library. It’s the quiet room where you can get some peace. As you can see, we have lots of books….. This is the JC room where we talk about people who have broken rules and make decisions and stuff. I find some of the meetings a bit boring, ha ha…..” I had never before met such a confident and articulate five-year-old; I followed her around the school with a huge grin from ear to ear.

I must have made a good impression because, at the end of the tour, Cadie asked if I would join her in playing with her dolls and a big toy truck in the main room. After a few minutes, she was climbing on my shoulders and asking for a ride around the school… and I had been in her life for barely thirty minutes!!

Before long, another student (I will call her Laura), aged 16, approached me and - having heard my English accent – asked a few questions about life in the UK, before sharing more detailed information about how the school operates.  She showed me the notice board and explained the purpose and functions of the school’s committees and clerkships. All in all, it was a wonderful introduction to life at Tallgrass and I was taken aback by the openness and kindness of everyone I met.

FACEBOOK UPDATE (April 19): School internship going great! Highlight today was seeing oldest student (18) teaching youngest (5) how to play ukulele – powerful demo of the beauty of unrestricted age mixing. Also inspired by 13 yr old girl who struggled in public school… a joy to watch her excitedly leading small group of younger students in planning a haunted house night.

Danielle had saved up her earnings from a part-time job in a restaurant to buy her beloved ukulele, and had taught herself how to play it by watching YouTube videos. Observing her older-sister-like interactions with Cadie – who sat in her lap excitedly stroking the strings, while Danielle took care of the chords – was one of the highlights of my entire trip.

The 13-year-old mentioned above (I will call her Sian) has to be one of the most inspiring young people I have ever met. It is easy to see why some people feel a little intimidated by Sian at first; she is not afraid to express her individuality through her clothing, hair and make-up! But I could see – even before we had spoken – that beneath the surface was a sweet and kind-hearted person. It is difficult to describe in words, but there was something about her that I “recognised”. I felt so much compassion in my heart for her; an intuitive “understanding” of and immense respect for her.

Sian was soon sharing with me her experiences in public schools; in particular, how she had suffered at the hands of bullying teachers. She described the devastating effects of these experiences on her self-esteem (suffice it to say, it’s a miracle she is still alive) and I realised that I could see so much of myself in her: the sense of not belonging, not fitting in and not being understood by anyone within The System; the refusal to conform, despite immense pressure to do so; the courage to stand up for oneself and to speak one’s truth; etc. However, I had experienced all of this as a teacher – as an adult with life experience behind me - whereas she had experienced it as a child. Despite all the odds being stacked against her, she had somehow found the strength to come through her ordeal; this is what accounted for my deep feelings of compassion and respect for her. To me, she was the embodiment of the word “courage”.

Sian also reminded me of some of the students I had been working with back home in the UK who – just like her - could see straight through the lies and hypocrisy of the education system but – unlike her – did not have the option of attending a school like Tallgrass. Even Sian’s route to finding Tallgrass was similar to my own. We had both been told by well-meaning friends and relatives that we would never find a school in which we could “be ourselves”. We had both held on to our dream of finding such a school… and we had both succeeded in finding what we were looking for!

TO BE CONTINUED…